Dear God, if there is one

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Dear God, if there is one,

I am in church now, thinking. Sitting in the same pew I sit at everyday of my life, watching the predictable procession of Easter and Christmas services, funerals and weddings: the same old cycle of birth and rebirth. I sat at this pew as a child, when I was still ignorant of the world around me and thought everyone was my friend. I sat here as a teenager, when I thought the world was against me. And I sit here now, knowing that the world just does not care.

God, please tell me what my purpose is, why I was made to walk this planet. Because I don’t know if I can continue to dance this dance. It’s like I’m dancing in water. And the music. The music never changes. The music never stops. The ring of my alarm clock, the water in the sink, the ding of the toaster, the old coffee maker still grinding its gears. The hum of human life on the streets and the bus stop, the elevator taking me to the prison of my cubicle. The shuffling of papers, the fake pleasantries, the phone that never grows silent from people wanting their voice to be heard. The clattering of pots and pans at that Chinese take-out place around the corner, “the usual?” “yes, of course,” the sizzle of glazed meat on the stove. The TV showing the same people and their forced laughs, the exhale of the crease in the couch. The click of the lamp as the light goes off on yet another day.

Everyday, I dance to the same music. With a smile painted onto my face with cheap red lipstick. The fear in my eyes is hidden behind a thick layer of mascara and by the heavy frames of my glasses. The pain in my heart is covered by that blouse that never seems to wrinkle anyone. Pretending is easier than living.

I watch life progress on the other side my eyes. On the other side, where my brain is not. It’s like watching a movie. It’s like a fish looking up into the sky, hoping to one day fly with the birds. Do you ever wonder if fish, as they get lifted out of the water by a bird looking for dinner, think that their dream is finally coming true? Do crabs ever look up and think that fish are flying? Or has evolution made their eyes only face forward, and those that do have the ability to look up at the beautiful expanse of the ocean world and do dare to dream beyond the confines of their exoskeleton are wiped out by the brutal process of natural selection? Maybe I should learn how to only look forward. Dreams are easier to handle when they are dead.

Is it wrong of me to feel like there is more to life? That, if I just open my eyes, things will change? Am I just too scared to find out that life is nothing but a mindless routine, that the music will never stop, and I will have to keep on dancing? God, I look to you for answers, but what if I don’t even want them. I have grown used to the weight of the water that is surrounding my soul. I have learned to live with the empty void inside my heart. Should I just let the water fill my heart? Should I let myself forget?

No one thinks that they have reached their final destination. The future has to shine brighter and give us a reason to keep going. But what if the future is just an illusion? What if this current moment is just an infinite forever? A limbo between heaven and hell? God, I wish I can at least feel real.

Please help me,
A lost soul


This piece was inspired by a prompt on the Literati Mafia called Music Monday. It included the song Sea Dragon along with the featured image.

Originally posted on the Literati Mafia.

21 thoughts on “Dear God, if there is one

  1. I don’t understand the trend of “happy clappy” christians, what have they to be happy about? If I were religious I’d be dour! 😉

    Great write up Kat, I sincerely hope your’e happy and well 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve always wondered that, too. How can christians be happy if they believe that a god controls everything they do?

      I am happy and well, thank you. I hope you are too. This piece isn’t really about me, though. I had to make some stuff up to get the point across.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There’s a song I was thinking of by XTC, the lines go “Dear God, sorry to disturb you but, your name is in a lot of quotes in this book, us crazy humans wrote it you should take a look”

        Religion is so extraordinary, I have to hand it to those Jews who came up with those stories, its the craziest thing ever! Way back before we had Christianity tho, and everyone was Pagan, that seems more like a real religion to me, it seems fiery and sexy, unless I’m just romanticising the past – most likely I expect. Religions today tho, they seem like a too much of a stitch-up, too evolved perhaps.

        Anyway, its sure interesting to wonder what an animal feels when its being killed, like when the cat brings a mouse in, I hate that, she doesn’t need it, I take them off her when I can. Maybe there’s more to it than I realise?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Maybe religion is too evolved because there is a lot of science to explain a lot about our lives? Imagine early humans trying to understand why the sun raises everyday, or why the world is that way it is, or what is on the other side of the sky. It leaves a lot to the imagination, so maybe that’s why religion was much more interesting back then?

        I think animals can feel when they are being killed. Although scientists say all animals other than humans can’t don’t have a consciousness and therefore cannot think, I find it very hard to agree with that. I have a dog whose just so smart, it’s impossible to even think that he can’t think. I believe that animals think differently than humans. That for each species the train of thought looks different. But we just can’t understand it: kind of like trying to imagine a color that does not already exist. That’s how I think about it.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I wholly agree with you on both those points, tho I think that animals thought processes are quite limited – I’m sure they are just the same as ours in substance, if not sophistication. They can certainly develop complexity around a core concept, tho wether they can learn to apply that to other situations is perhaps what makes humans different – (that and the fact that we are megalomaniacs by nature!) 😮

        Liked by 1 person

      4. sorry that is not what they believe… if it were so, we could not be even discussing this topic… ha! ha! no pun intended… cultural, religion awareness helps people have a better understanding of each other, so there won’t be a wide brush stroke of stereotyping… peace

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Oh dear, I’m so sorry. I really don’t know that much about religion, but I am trying to educate myself. When I wrote this piece in August I thought I knew enough to make such big statements, but I was very wrong. Maybe it is due for a rewrite. You are absolutely right about how religious awareness helps us understand each other better. I will work on that.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. it’s not about the poem you wrote… it was the happy clappy statement that was made, about christians believing God controls them… Christians believe in free will and believe God honors the free will he gave humans… we are not robots… I’m a Christian and God didn’t make me respond to this statement… Kat thanks for not taking our conversation personal… I just seek for us to be respectful in what ever we believe or don’t believe… Have a wonderful day

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have been through a great variety of religious denominations during my childhood years and had to take lessons on being married to a Catholic and promise to raise my children as Catholics before I could gain consent to wed. Much as I love the community, fellowship and singing, religion is in the heart and mind, not inside a building or a group. It is a feeling…when you are immersed in nature…..immersed in conversation with good friends….or immersed in peaceful thoughts in your own mind. When an organization takes over, it is not always about God. The old adage of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” is still the best sermon ever preached. Peace always. Allan

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do think some aspects of a religious community are important. It’s that feeling of unity, a devotion to a common cause that’s very sacred. But I do think that some aspects of organized religion could be more ceremonious and not very meaningful. I feel god the most when I am outdoors in nature, especially when I’m rock climbing- feeling so insignificant and powerless in comparison to nature while on the edge of a cliff can really do something to you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Loved this one, Kat. The quality of your writing in this style takes me into the speaker’s mind as she questions what she should do. In the middle the cadence picks up in an almost lyrical rhythm, like a hint of exasperation, or impatience to know, to be. “I have grown use to the weight of the water that is surrounding my soul.” This is sublime and relatable. I can feel it and imagine it. My copy of Sophie’s World showed up today. I’m looking forward to reading about Sophie and her philosopher mentor as she tries to discover if she really exists or not.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! That’s what I was going for, more of a lyrical beat, since this was inspired by music. I think the “weight of water surrounding my soul” was my favorite line. I’m glad it stood out.

      I’m going to the library tomorrow to check out a copy. I can’t wait to read it.

      Like

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