Time seems to slow down
When we’ve had too much of it
Like an uninvited guest inside your head
Useless comforts are the only pills we can take
To rid ourselves of the reminder
That the wonders of life
Have been washed away with predictability
Predictability is a poison
It kills the surprise
It grows on our souls
The Technicolor autumn leafs
Have colored trees for years of our lives
The star speckled sky
Has hung above us for half of our time
We’ve walked the streets
A thousands times
And we’ve seen the sights
So many times more
It’s all the same pattern
Again and again
The drumming of time beats on and on
We are all searching for the new music
An event that evades the predictable marching of time
A glitch in the matrix of our numb brains
A quick burst of color that breaks the heavy fabric:
The fabric of years lived in obscurity and senseless static
Finally weighing on our heavy consciousness
Like an anchor when the buoyancy of youth is lost
The shine in the eyes disappears when they get used to the darkness
To only hope for better, colorful days
When I was just a few years younger
Surprises found me at every corner
Strawberry smoothies at the diner
The dew on the grass in the chill of the morning
The small rosebush in the edge of the garden
The smell of a brand new book
And the books we filled with happy people
And the people had been just like me
But they are not like me anymore
Their bright lives blind my cold eyes
And happy endings just seem to laugh at my face
Their meaning dancing away into the horizon
Forever lost to my desolate mind
The happy book people a long gone
This is a revised version of a poem I previously posted on this blog. Click here for the original. This revision came as a result of critique commented on the original poem by Paul from Café Philos, for which I am very grateful. I usually do not like going back to finished pieces, so this was quite a new experience for me.
Kat's observations. 
Why did you remove the desolation in the end? Just curious… I thought it was a nice touch in the previous version.
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The person who critiqued my poem said that I was being a bit too dramatic with my descriptions, and that its OK to emphasize some things but I was just being over the top with my exaggerations. So I toned down the adjectives, and during the process I realized that I actually like being dramatic. And I think I do like desolation more as well. I’ll switch it back.
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Poetry is subjective, but to me that one word added a whole lot of depth to the poem. It summed it up in a nutshell… The pain of loss after experiencing the joy of possession.
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Yes, I think you are right. That one word is important to the entire message I am trying to convey. I’ve never edited one of my poems before, so I probably overdid it with the revisions. Thank you so much for letting me know. 🙂
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Just so you know, Kat I fully endorse your going back to using “desolation” because it’s your poem, not mine, and viva la difference in our tastes!
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I for one, like dramatic in poetry. It doesn’t always work in prose, but in poetry it evokes the feelings we’re aiming for. I think you should write it like you feel it…isn’t that poetry’s purpose, conveying emotion? We can’t please all the people all the time, so best to please ourself.
And opinions are like assholes—we all have them. 🙂
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I totally agree. Most of my poetry is a direct reflection of my emotions, and I’ve always been a pretty dramatic person, both in my poems and in real life, so I guess I’ll stick with that. But it is also valuable to gain the opinions of others. I learned that I used a lot of cliches when I write, and when I looked back at this poem with that I mind, I saw that that was indeed true. I fixed that, and, I think, the poem is much better overall.
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I remember reading that poem and I have to say, I like this version, but I also liked the previous version, except the very last line, which I felt wasn’t necessary, because it felt rather redundant.
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That’s interesting, Lunarpoet, you strike me as knowing what you’re talking about because you have obviously read the poem closely enough to see the last line as redundant. However, these decisions always come down to matters of taste. Redundant or not, I’d keep it because I love how poignant it sounds to me.
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As i said, I liked both versions. To be honest I even prefered the first one. 🙂
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Do you mean the line “the happy book people are long gone” I see what you mean, since I’ve already used “happy book people” elsewhere in the poem. I’ve always struggled with figuring out an ending for a poem, so I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you for your opinion!
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Kat, I absolutely love what you’ve done here. And I am relieved you haven’t entirely taken my advice. Whenever I give advice — to anyone — I worry they might not make sure it’s what they really want to do before adopting it. Glad to see you gave it a fair shake, then made your own decision.
By the way, I have learned so much from going back to old poems and reworking them. In fact, my best poems are all reworks. But again, that’s a personal choice.
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Thank you! When I first rewrote this poem I left all the dramatization and exaggerations out, but then I realized I actually like being dramatic, so I added some of that back in. But now I know what I like and what I don’t when it comes to poetry.
I usually don’t like revisiting old work of any sort. But I think this turned out nicely, so I might try that out with another poem. Thanks for the inspiration!
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Kat, the fact you are inspired is all by itself the thanks you could give me.
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